Are You Controlled by Other People’s Emotions?

What Is Emotional “Matching”?

If you get mad when someone else gets mad… or sad when they’re sad… or annoyed, aggravated, or overly excited right along with them—you might be letting other people’s emotions run your life.

In Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), this is called “matching.”
It’s when your response mirrors the other person’s emotional state.

Some people are even trained to do this on purpose. They’ll match your emotions intentionally, then lead you where they want you to go—toward agreement, compliance, or belief in their perspective. But for most of us, matching is automatic. We’re not even aware it’s happening. We just know the cycle of reaction and response—and it’s exhausting.

Because the truth is: it’s not fun being controlled by someone else’s emotions.

Real-Life Examples of Matching

Think about it.
Have you ever told “no” to an angry teenager, only to find yourself turning into an angry teenager too? That’s not just coincidence—that’s your brainstem reacting to their brainstem. Their emotional outburst pulled you into the same survival state, and suddenly both of you are spiraling.

It might feel almost harmless in that scenario, but it can become far more serious when it’s your angry boss, your frustrated teacher, or a controlling spouse.

How Emotional Cycles Escalate

Let’s paint a picture.
You come home from a long day at work. You’ve picked up the kids, forgotten to plan dinner, and realized the soccer uniforms are still dirty. The kids start whining about being hungry. Your spouse gets irritated about the uniforms. Tension builds. One child cries. Your spouse raises their voice. And what happens? You start yelling back.

Why? Because that’s the pattern.

• They yell—you yell.
• They slam something on the counter—you slam something down too.
• They cry—you cry.
• You shut down—they get louder.

Even silence is a response that feeds the cycle.

Brainstem matches brainstem. And on it goes.

Breaking the Pattern Starts With Awareness

The very first step is recognizing the pattern.
Take some time to notice where you tend to match other people’s reactions. Even shutting down counts—that’s still a brainstem response.

Once you see the pattern, here’s where it gets exciting: you can pause.
You can take a deep breath.
And you can choose to move into a place of connection in your brain.

The Upstairs vs. Downstairs Brain

Imagine your brain as a house divided in two.

• Downstairs (below your ears): This is your survival zone. The brainstem lives here, and it’s wired to keep you alive—not to connect, create, or communicate.
• Upstairs (above your ears): This is where you live in connection—with yourself, others, and your Creator. It’s where peace, clarity, and good decisions live.

When you pause and breathe, you literally give yourself the chance to move “upstairs.” And from that space, you can communicate calmly and clearly, without being pulled into someone else’s storm.

Why This Doesn’t Mean Ignoring Your Emotions

Now, let’s be real—you’ll still feel frustration, sadness, anger, or disappointment. But you won’t be controlled by someone else’s emotions. You’ll be connected instead of reactive.

And here’s the beautiful ripple effect: sometimes, when you stay connected, the other person begins to match your calm response instead of the other way around.

A Final Note on Control

It’s not your job to “fix” or “make” someone else climb out of their brainstem. Some people are deeply afraid of connection because they equate it with losing control. And that’s a bigger conversation for another blog. 😉

For now, remember this: you don’t have to be controlled by someone else’s emotions. You can choose awareness. You can choose connection. And you can choose peace.

Love Extravagantly, 

Polly Hamp